The best piece of advice I have ever received is this:
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Have you ever fallen into that trap of seeing a red flag waving directly in front of your face and instead of honoring the warning you sit there wasting your time trying to decide what exact shade of red it is? I mistrust my eyes and think to myself "well maybe if I put it in the sunlight it will look different..."
I want to see the good in people but there is such an ego based agenda in that. The sentence even begins with "I want" as if I know best. Who says that other people have to be good or even have the desire to be in that category? We can fall down a rabbit hole some other time ad discuss the waste of time that terms like good and bad are for us. What brings up my desire to search for the good? I should not have to search for something good. If it is in there, great! But I do not want to spend my time digging for it. One of the things I have been working on this year is honoring my instincts, listening to my intuition and seeing people with absolute clarity. That is respect, not judgement. If I assign positive attributes that someone has not displayed or is not currently capable of then I border on disrespect. I put them in a situation where they cannot possibly thrive and then I get to chew on resentment and disappointment if my illusion is not lived up to. On the other hand If someone has only shown me a heart of gold then I want to honor that as well. It is okay for you to be you and it is okay for me to listen to me. So simple yet so difficult to do.
As a woman I feel overwhelmed by how many times a day my thought process is called into question. Instead of taking me at my word I am asked by society to present my case so that someone else can decide if my thought process is 'correct.' This happens most often in our intimate relationships.Have you ever dated someone and realized that you are not a good match? How do others respond? In a society that has been flooded with spiritual bypassing it is not uncommon for intuition to be ignored in an effort to evolve beyond them and all the red flags waving desperately along the path.
Our intuition is there for a reason. Why not make room at the table for it? Seeing another person clearly and disliking their behavior is a gift. It is information that you can use to make a respectful decision for yourself and the other party. It is not judgmental to look at another persons's behavior and say "This is not good for me. I do not want this. " That is clarity, self respect and honoring your higher wisdom. Are you here to be a platform for someone else's growth and development while sacrificing your own? Are you here here to hold someone's hand while they waste 10 years of both of your lives banging their head against the wall and making mistakes?
I see little room for self-respect or self-esteem in martyrdom. Which brig us to the number one enemy of red flag awareness-the demand for unconditional love from a partner. While I truly believe in the unconditional love of the universe, I do not believe in unconditional dating. You are my brother! I am your sister! We are all one! But if you want unconditional dating please move along. The plea for unconditional love often times come from the person who is not in alignment with their own behavior and requires acceptance and absolution for completely unacceptable behavior. A healthy compromise may be to love someone unconditionally from afar and date someone who has priorities in alignment with yours.
When people show you who they are, believe them. If you want to live life a certain way and the partner you have clearly does not, then it is not judgmental to look them in the eye and say "I don't want this." That is respect. If you assign positive attributes to a partner who has only shown you negative attributes then you are being disrespectful to assume that they want to be different. People who are kind, loving and respectful tend to lead with that in all they do. People who are manipulative, untrustworthy and disingenuous make you dig for the good. When we see something we do not want and choose to walk another path we have offered our respect NOT judgment. The other persons life, health, hopes, dreams and comfort are not worth more than yours. When you love yourself well then you begin to align with others who will love you just as well. Do not look to others to allow you an easy exit. Pay attention to the red flags, sit still, close your eyes, breathe deeply and ask yourself 'is this good for me?'